You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
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The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.