Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
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A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”