Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
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“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones