Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
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Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
2 years later
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I have so many questions.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Yup!
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?