Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
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Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Same pineapple, same
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality