It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
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I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
is this a threat
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Me recordaron éste meme
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!