Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
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ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Basketball games are very squeaky.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*