[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
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I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: how are you
Friday: good
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
gentlemen, hear me out