I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
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“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Customize Your Wedding.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*