I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
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If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
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NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.