“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
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Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”