Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
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Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
we all know this pain all too well
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?