She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
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Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life