Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
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When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Finally, an explanation.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
…..pretty much.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69