Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
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I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Please do it!
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.