[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
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I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
How it started: How it’s going:
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.