Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
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When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
m’lady
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup