My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
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Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
*eats only grass-fed donuts
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird