My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
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*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”