Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
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6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
spicy snake
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
#growingpains
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*