[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
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I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Pandas 🐼🖤
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts