People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
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I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.