inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
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i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Hotels are back
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”