I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
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Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Labreador
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?