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My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.