My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
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*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road