When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
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No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Smells like a challenge to me
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?