The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
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I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?