Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
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Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.