Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
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Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Yeah. This was me today.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Oh no
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.