My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
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Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Bros before Ohioes
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine