If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
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Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
This hospital has everything
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up