My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
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My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Please do it!
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.