How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
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Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
That time Alicia messaged me
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting