(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
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It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat