Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
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My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.