Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch