Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
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Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”