“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
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A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Pee pressure > peer pressure