detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
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What a website
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.