[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*