DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
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Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
🙋♀️
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.