professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
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Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’