My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus đĄ
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Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today Iâm leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: Iâm not frisking you again
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Remember when âanyone can grow up to be Presidentâ was aspirational, not an existential threat?
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. đđđ
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well thatâs me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Son: âYou didnât have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?â
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: âStuff.â
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you donât open google maps and type âTim Hortonsâ you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
imagine if poop was transparent. Iâd completely lose my shit
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Everyoneâs gangsta till youâre waiting on your dog to poop.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Go ahead and kidnap me. Youâll return me when my meds wear off.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
absolute chaos
hello. i am the âfriendâ everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.