It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
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“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.