“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
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[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*