[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
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me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie