When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
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[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Fat chances are my favorite chances
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
good work, detective
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!