Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
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My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs