my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
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I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
#DesignFail
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.